Q. I had to leave my old barn about a year ago, and I just recently went back. We had to leave 'cause I was leasing a horse, and they wouldn't let the leasee train or school me there. We left the barn not in the nicest way, but not in the worst, either, and they said I was always welcome back since I had ridden there since the place started. So, I stopped leasing that horse in June and now am a proud horse owner. We took him to my old barn, and now everyone seems to almost snub me. I don't get why they would hold a grudge! They all know me. Some of them are nice, but most are not, and it's really BAD! I try my very best to be nice and friendly, with no response. Please help me! I just want to fit in!

A. This is what we call a "trial by fire". It sounds like they're going to make you pay for what they see as your disloyalty to their barn, regardless of whether or not that's a fair or accurate interpretation. I have a feeling they'll come around and accept you again, but it may take some time.

Here are a couple tactics you can try to help the process along. Be very flattering to folks at the barn, but don't be phony about it. No one appreciates being lied to, even if the lie takes the form of praise. Be sincere, and honestly compliment other riders and owners at the barn. The mention of a beautifully groomed horse, a perfectly pulled mane, a spotlessly clean saddle, a nicely ridden sitting trot - all these things will make the owner feel good. It's not hard to find something praiseworthy to say to most anybody; just keep your eyes open, look for the things folks around the barn are doing well with their horses, and say something about them. It'll go a long way toward mending fences.

Another tactic that generally helps bring people together is to ask for help. It's flattering to be asked for your opinion and assistance (why do you think I keep answering all these questions on the Equine Answer Board? ;-) ). If you have a hard time getting your horse's white markings really clean, ask other folks at the barn how they brighten up their horses' white spots. If you're not sure whether your horse is halting square while you're riding, ask someone else to watch and tell you when he is square. If you'd like to practice riding with someone else in the ring or if you'd like a buddy to trail ride with, ask other riders at the barn if you can schedule a ride together. Be careful not to overdo the requests for help, though. There's a definite line between being flattering and being a pesky "user". And, of course, if someone asks you for help, always be willing to lend a hand.

Be careful to avoid rehashing the past with people who want to talk about why you left the barn in the first place. That's history now, and that's where it should stay. Just tell them politely that you'd rather talk about your new horse rather than the old one, and gently change the subject.

Like I said before, it may take some time for folks at the barn to forget about whatever bad feelings they may harbor toward you, but I do think it'll happen. Just keep an upbeat attitude and keep smiling. Sooner or later, they'll start smiling back.

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